I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
