You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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