Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
