So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Is it penis luge time yet?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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