Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
