Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
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can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
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Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
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