I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants