if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!