People in love make me want to vomit
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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