Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
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The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
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If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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