he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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