How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
