i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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