i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
