wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
