all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
