so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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