I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
