I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
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he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
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P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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