my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I AM VODKA MAN
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
