A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
