have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
