he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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