I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
