I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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