"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
