Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
