omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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