saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize