Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
