Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He has the fingertips of a God
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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