If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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