I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
