Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
