I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
