i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
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