when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She even gives head with a lisp.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
