The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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