the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
