her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
