Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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