my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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