I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she told me i tasted like america
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
