the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
