then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
