And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
