she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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