i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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