I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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