I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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