I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
NoShamevember. You game?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Terrible idea I love it
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
