i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
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Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
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The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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