not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize