so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
