If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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