I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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