Got a toothbrush?
I puked a lego.
I wish I only lived at night.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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