This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
