Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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