This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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